The Sour Mesh of Loveless Double-Dipping

I have a dark secret. It rips through everything. I dare not speak it, least someone actually read this ridiculous monkey-biting blog. Rest assured however that it is rather poetic. Many of you have read my blog and have come to follow me as a sort of soft-spoken, tender-hearted, puritan messiah, and that is fine. I've grown to slowly accept this. However, I must ask that the ladies refrain from sending me undergarments in the mail... Gents as well... Encase there are a few pranksters amongst you. I never dreamt of becoming an important influence in the blogosphere, but here I am. I must accept my crown, despite its incredible weight and burden. Perhaps some laurels.

I'm still trying to get over the fact that people are fickle and imperfect beings. They are moody and randomly violent and boorish. Some are even rumored to have bad teeth. Will we ever live up to our high ideals? On a brighter note, I think I am going to lose my fucking mind. I haven't had an orgasm in nearly three weeks. I've been watching pornography in vein... Just sitting there aghast at the bare bouncing breasts, soft lips pierced by cocks, and I can do nothing. I sigh a bitter sound that makes camels depressed and sends then into a pseudo-agoraphobic panic. They should stay away, I am so desperate I might hump a hump. How can a man have so little self-respect? No, not about the camel. How could a man post such sensitive and personally embarrassing information about himself on his incredibly popular webblog that no one reads? Why doesn't this person just jerk off? Would he prefer his camel with one hump or two? You're curious... That makes me horny, but so does brushing my teeth.

To any woman who would undress and make soft love to me, the kind with flowing and draping positions and movements, please send me a postcard with your photograph glued to the front--a well lit photo, not a dark, altered, blurry mugshot you would find on myspace. Also staple on a resume with work experience... if you know what I mean, and references--at least three. All inquiries will be hired, with no pay, regardless of personal appearance, sexual orientation, or lack of qualifications. Unfortunately, as I am in deepcover, I can not at this time provide a mailing address... But, let me put it straight--If you find me, you can fuck me, and my camels. In the meantime, I'll be watching hentai porn, where young lads fuck mother figures, usually collecting milk from their tremendously large mammaries, without any orgasmic satisfaction unto myself. God Bless!

-Dan